If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.