I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You Might Also Like
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Terribly Tuesday.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.