Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
every single time
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”