Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
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Why font matters.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Yup!
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?