Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Barbie gone wild
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats