Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.