Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation