Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.