doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?