why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
how many bears make up a bear minimum
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots