Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
You Might Also Like
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”