*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.