Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning