I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.