i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Dead
Alive
Other✔
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I feel it
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.