Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
From my Mom
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.