GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
my first dose meeting my second
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”