Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?