A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Lmao the reply
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.