how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
You Might Also Like
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
U talkin 2 me?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”