nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Human are so complicated
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Oh my God.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”