911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Happy weekend !
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
FINE, I WON’T.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?