Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Good morning!
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.