Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?