Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks