I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.