Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
LMAO
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.