We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
🤣😂🤣
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.