Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.