Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though