Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I just ran a .003048K
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.