I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My kitchen overserved me.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”