3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.