One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.