I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My Sentiments Exactly
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?