me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The pen is writier than the sword.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.