“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?