Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Stop it! 😂
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles