Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
how to have fun when you’re poor
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
new wife guy just dropped
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
#CoronaOutbreak
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You sure about that?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.