Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Rather alarming headline…
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.