I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
You Might Also Like
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Weighing up my bread heating options
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Yup….perfect score!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.