me after drinking all the wine:
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please