[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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What an awful time to have common sense.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Does this dress make me look cat?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING