Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Are we there yet?…
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.