nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Every BBC series about the universe.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus