kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…