[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
my first dose meeting my second
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.