Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
they really do be looking like this