I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Happy Thanksgiving
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.