It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You Might Also Like
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.